Facilitating Conversations Between Older Adult Parents and Adult Children

Author Missy Buchanan has conducted informal research for the last decade as she traveled to speak about faithful aging. On occasions when adult children and their aging parents were present at the same event, she asked each generation a question and wrote the responses in her journal.

She asked the adult children what they wanted most for their aging parents in their later life other than good health. Their answers fell into three categories: safety and security, a nice living environment, and help with daily activities.

Then she turned the tables and asked the aging parents what they most wanted for themselves in this season of life, other than good health. Their responses also fell into three categories: to have meaning and purpose, to be as respected and independent as possible, and to have deep, fulfilling relationships.

The answers from both groups were commendable. However, as Missy compared the two lists, she had an epiphany. The adult children named things that primarily affect the exterior life of their aging parents, while the older adults’ answers focused on their inner life. To have a life of meaning and purpose was the top answer for the aging parents — yet the adult children didn’t mention it. The disparity reminded her that each generation looks at life through its own lens. The contrast highlighted the need for adult children and aging parents to have meaningful conversations about difficult issues.

Missy describes her experience on a cold winter day when she sat in a busy airport restaurant, where travelers with heavy coats and carry-on luggage packed into the dining area:

I could not help but overhear a group of middle-aged women seated next to me who were surprisingly dressed in sandals and tropical clothes. Caregivers for aging parents, they were headed to the beach as a respite getaway. Their champagne toasts and joyful laughter quickly transitioned to a serious conversation about their caregiving roles and their frustrations with aging parents, whom they wanted to quit driving or to move to assisted living.

Listening to these middle-aged friends share their innermost feelings about caregiving made me think of how often I have observed similar scenes playing out among aging parents. Many times, I have been seated at tables with older adults who spoke honestly about their frustrations with adult children who treat them like children, who perhaps mock them for being slow to embrace technology or make decisions for them. Older adults have sought me out following speaking events to say how they wished their adult children were there to hear my message because their kids just don’t understand what it is like to grow old.

In that moment at the crowded airport restaurant, I strongly suspected that each generation, older and younger, is talking within their own groups about the hard things of aging — but not talking with each other.”

The 'Sandwich Generation'

Life in the “sandwich generation” – the season when adult children are caring for their own children and their aging parents at the same time – is not easy! No doubt, many adult children know what it’s like to be the rock on one end of a teeter-totter when a heavy load is dropped on the other side. Suddenly, their lives are upended, flung in disarray by the changing circumstances of their aging parents. At the same time, aging parents struggle to find balance as unwanted change also crashes into them. We should not be surprised when older loved ones retreat to a cushy recliner to spend their days watching cable news.

Navigating the Journey Together

Adult children and aging parents alike desperately need the church to help them build resilient, grace-filled relationships for the journey of aging. Both generations need practical advice, training, and encouragement to have difficult conversations about later life in God-honoring ways.

Here are a few tips to help adult children and older adults take the first steps toward navigating the journey together.

1. Learn to stand in the other generation’s shoes.

Adult children should assume a posture of humility and imagine the frustrations and fears their aging parents must feel as they endure relentless change in later life: physical decline, loss of loved ones through death or a move, loss of home and cherished belongings, loss of independence and the ability to drive, and loss of energy, hearing, and vision. The impact of these accumulated losses is typically unique to later life and is best understood as compounded loss.

Aging parents should likewise try to step into the shoes of their adult children and remember what those hectic middle years of life were like. Their adult children are likely juggling careers, parenting responsibilities and school, and community and church activities while also navigating the unfamiliar landscape of being a caregiver for their older loved ones. Not surprisingly, they are experiencing their own tsunami of mixed-up emotions.

2. Recognize that it is not a role reversal.

Contrary to what we often hear, describing the adult child–aging parent relationship as a role reversal is faulty at best. Even if an older loved one requires assistance with basic daily needs, that person should not be considered a child. Believing that younger and older adults somehow switch roles endangers the aging parent's well-being. The idea robs older people of dignity and respect at a time when they are the most vulnerable, and it dismisses the life experiences they have accrued over the years. What child has been the CEO of a company, served as a union shop steward, or raised a family of five? Certainly, in some situations, an older loved one’s mental state requires that adult children make decisions on their behalf — but respect and dignity should always be topmost in the minds of adult children. Instead of considering it a role reversal, consider the dynamic a role shift, in which the adult child takes on new responsibilities for the aging parent, while each holds steadfast to the adult child and aging parent identifications.

3. Include aging parents in conversations.

Often, well-intentioned family members treat aging parents as if they are invisible or somehow incapable of participating in conversations. People talk above them or past them, forgetting to include them. Adult children need to be intentional about how they engage their aging parents in decision-making conversations, especially those that directly impact their parents’ lives. Adult children should not assume they know what’s best for an aging parent or what their parent is thinking. Adult children would do better to lead with questions that show respect and help the two generations work together toward a solution: “Mom, Dad, what do you think we should do?” “What do you think would be the best way forward?”

4. Talk so the other generation can hear.

Another communication pitfall between adult children and aging parents can be explained by something my grandson said when he was five years old. In the midst of a disagreement, he told his older brother, “My ears hear you, but my heart just can’t.” It’s true. Sometimes, the struggle to communicate has more to do with emotions than with audible words.

All desperately need God’s abundant grace as they continue to grow in faith and understanding on the journey.

An example is the adult daughter who looks through her aging mother’s refrigerator and notes the expiration date on the milk. She makes an unsolicited comment with a huff of frustration: “Mom, your milk expired day before yesterday.” The aging parent bristles. In her mind, the adult child is implying something more: “You can’t take care of yourself. It’s time we move you to a nursing home.”

It is not unusual for aging parents to feel that their adult children are spying on them, actively looking for signs that they can no longer take care of themselves. Understandably, older loved ones often respond defensively. Even so, direct and healthy communication is needed. Adult children who regularly show respect and empathy for their aging parent will have greater success communicating and working together.

5. Find purpose in the journey.

Having a purpose gives older adults a reason to get excited about living. Think of the retired art teacher who joyfully creates paintings that can be reproduced on notecards and sold to fund a mission project. Consider the eighty-four-year-old accountant who volunteers at his church, helping newly single parents create budgets and make wise financial decisions. Imagine a senior living community resident who leads a memoir-writing class, assisting other residents to write their life stories as a gift for their families.

Older adults need inspiration and ideas for ways to use their gifts, talents, and life experiences to serve others despite their physical limitations. They need family members to remind them of God’s promises, even as they embark on the journey of aging together. Adult children, meanwhile, need support and encouragement from their faith community as they try to steady their aging parent on the rocky path. All desperately need God’s abundant grace as they continue to grow in faith and understanding on the journey.

Missy Buchanan is an internationally recognized advocate for older adults. She has been a keynote speaker for the Presbyterian Older Adult Ministries Network, the Festival of Wisdom and Grace, and the National Boomer Ministry Conference. She has penned ten books on faithful aging for Upper Room Books, including Voices of Aging: Adult Children and Aging Parents Talk with God, which congregations can use to facilitate these important conversations between generations.